WHAT PASSES FOR WISDOM
the quotable Jonathan Caws-Elwitt
Clutter is the niece of inspiration.
Why etch things in stone, when there’s so much oatmeal around?
Life is short—though it was a little less short back in the ’70s, when it wore platform shoes.
Reciprocity is a two-way street.
It’s perfectly easy to confuse Socrates with Groucho Marx, but how often do we actually take the time to do it?
A writer may be self-employed, but she is at the beck and call of thousands of insistent little words.
As my pet mynah bird once advised me, “Don’t take advice from mynah birds. B’kaw!”
A yuppie is someone who doesn’t know he’s eating rye bread until he gets a caraway seed stuck in his teeth.
Remember, Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason is not a toy.
A short man may have trouble dancing cheek to cheek with a tall woman. Unless, of course, she’s very tall.
The clock with a quiet tick advances just as quickly.
Bananas always seem to have an agenda.
If you always put your best foot forward, your shoes will wear unevenly.
Where there’s a curd, there's a whey.
Love means never having to say “You’re welcome.”
Teen acne is wasted on the young.
An executive who fields her own phone calls has a fool for a receptionist.
A midnight invitation to step in for a cup of cocoa is a nice treat—with or without the cocoa.
A new broom may sweep clean, but an old mop makes a funnier wig.
I learned early on that you can’t win with a Parsons table.
The night belongs to raccoons.
Inventing deodorants is 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration.
There is no such thing as superfluous praise.
A true friend does not reveal the song which is stuck in his head.
Every morning I leave the house determined not to let Life make a monkey of me. But I always carry a banana in my bag, just in case.
If you want to have ice cream at the party, bring ice cream to the party.
A Yorkshire terrier can produce up to ten times its own weight in barking.
So many questions, so many question marks.
Advice to coffee drinkers: Don’t put all your filters in one basket.
The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The optimist says the glass is half full. The optometrist says you need a new pair of glasses.
Behind every successful sock puppet is an otherwise idle right or left hand.
Monday’s dessert is Tuesday’s appetizer.
Remember never to rely on memory.
A good magician never explains his jokes.
Nostalgia comes to all who wait.
Writing a good to-do list is an art in itself. Its success should no more be judged by the completion rate than the artistic success of a Tiffany vase would be judged according to how much water it held.
A mispronounced syllable may be musical, but an out-of-key note is never eloquent.
The straight line may be the shortest distance between two points, but it is rarely utilized.
When life hands you lemons ... say, “Excuse me. I asked for limes.”
There’s no stopping Old Man Anthropomorphism.
Judge not, lest someone make you choose a winner in some stupid contest.
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Copyright © 1997–2011 Jonathan Caws-Elwitt.