What Passes for Wit

WHAT PASSES FOR WIT
the quotable Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

The problem with being frivolous is that no one takes you seriously.

I love parentheses. They’re so cozy and intimate. One can really speak candidly when one is between closed parentheses.

I wouldn't mind working all day, if only it didn’t take all day to do it.

I like The Importance of Being Earnest so much that I’ve worn out three pairs of glasses rereading it. And I don’t even wear glasses.

Don’t put knickknacks on the sill of my window of opportunity.

I never know which end of the eel to shake hands with.

One of these days, I shall slough off this phony accent and assume a genuine accent.

The theater is no place for histrionics.

Why can’t furniture move itself? I mean, these pieces all have legs, right? I think that anything that calls itself a “dresser” ought to be able to get dressed and out of the house without my help.

The Beaujolais was so pretentious that when I sniffed the cork, it sniffed back.

The die has been cast. Dustin Hoffman will appear as “Three.”

I must be on my way. I have a lot of important dawdling to do.

I claim no expertise, only a knack for groundless opinions.

My plans are never foolproof, only fool-resistant.

I don’t mind when people fly by the seat of their pants. I just don’t like it when they fly by the seat of my pants.

How do I feel about near nudity? As a myopic, I appreciate it.

There are two ways of quoting Oscar Wilde. One way is to quote an epigram that ironically inverts a conventional relationship. The other way is to quote a “there are two ways of...” epigram.

I love being quoted—and you can quote me on that.